Traffic Light

Traffic in all of India is a pain at the wrong places but of all the places i have been to, Pune is the worst. There is blatant, almost carefree, disregard for traffic rules in the town. Among other trivial things like no helmets and seat band being reduced to a plaything for children, is the most annoying habit of people in the town: for them ten seconds mean nothing. As soon as the countdown on the signal reaches 10 (the light is still glaringly red, mind you), people start moving. To make things more interesting, they just don't move a feet or two like you see in Delhi, they go full throttle!

If you are a driver, you are left to chose between following the mob or facing the possibility of being at the back of all those vehicles not to mention the morons who honk behind you. I have tried hard to follow my conscious and i succeed most of the time. However, the moron behind me refuses to stop honking. Always.

So here I was, at one of the busy squares of the town, on my motorcycle (yeah the tiny winy thing that's about 1.5 feet broad), standing on a red light. Sadly, I was at the very front and the countdown reached 10 seconds and as usual, the people around me started moving. Once again i resisted moving (its actually easier to negotiate the traffic when you are on a motorcycle; it's a different story when you are in your car. Anyway, so i did not move and you all know what happened next: the idiot behind me started honking. I did not look back and promptly was on my way when the light turned green. After about 30 seconds delay a Mercedes came along side me and a very angry guy (and disgusted like Holyfield was when Tyson bit his ear) was trying to say something.

I did not get what he said. so he zipped passed me and signaled me to stop. I thought of not agonizing the already agonized man who, by the way, had an absolute hottie sitting beside him and stopped. I waited for him as he swung open his door a la James Bond and came out (the Mercedes E class in Pune is treated no less than the Aston Martin of the British spy). Catwoman came out of the other door and followed her guy. They stopped at me and the guy said something which i wasn't able to understand due to limited knowledge of regional dialect. I asked him to repeat in Hindi. Here is the transcript of out speech:

James Bond: traffic signal pe kya akr rahe the?

me: matlab?

JB (changing tone): abe chal kyo nahi raha tha jab main horn baja raha tha. Main pagal hu kya jo tabse honk kar raha hu.

me: bhaisab mujhe nahi pata aap pagal ho ki nahi. mujhe ye bhi nahi pata ki aap light green hone se pehle horn kyo baja rahe the.

JB: baki log chal rahe the dikh nahi rahe the kya?

me: they were moving in red light. i don't. They are idiots i am not (JB in his mind: hahaha so he thinks hez not an idiot)

JB looking at Catwoman now and adressing her in Angrezi that is): I pity these guys. It is probably his first day on a motorbike haha so he is mr. trafficl follower.

CW: gives a smile of appreciation to her beau

JB to me now still in Angrezi: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah (off course his blah had the signature sentence for all losers "you don't know who i am") blah blah blah blah.

I kept quite. i thought maybe he his trying to impress his chick ( by the way she was smiling she was sure impressed (again, my condolences to modesty and intelligence). Because i was quite (in fact, i was busy noticing CW. She looked like the dumb blondes who date footballers for their money) he continued his ranting. Suddenly, i realized it's been long and he is crossing some serious lines (its fancy to say so, i did not actually remember what he said)..

me: Bhaisab chup ho jaiye

JB: blah blah blah blah

CW: JB lets go. leave it

JB: leave it? blah blah blah blah

me: shut the fuck up now

JB (with all the sarcasm he could gather. and he could gather a lot of it or he has seen a lot of movies): Shut up? :O ohh my god, i am so afraid :O

me: You are already afriad? I haven't even told you that I am gay and i love you.

CW, for some reason known to dumb blondes who date footballers, started laughing.

JB: what?

me: I am gay and i make violent love.

JB did not say a thing for a second, when he wanted to talk again CW pulled him and they sat in the car. Once inside he said something i did not hear. I started my motorcycle.

After approximately 30 seconds a Mercedes zipped passed me. There was no signal to stop this time. I had a nice story to tell.

PS: forgive me for oscillating between the tenses in situations. Don't forgive me? Remember i am gay? Yeah. That's better.

Sportsmen?

"Everyone favors the underdog" goes and adage. Apparently, in fact most definitely it is not true. So i sit and wonder why have i always liked the favorite? Do i take refuge in the fact that my the guy whom i support won more time than losing? Let us talk sport!

I would like to think that it is because i like perfection and the champion is closer to perfection than others. The kind of players that i have liked over the years (Roger, Sachin, Alonso, Shevchenko etc..) have all been the best of their era. However, there are may champs that i dont like ( Agassi, Hamilton, Ponting, etc.). To be honest, i hate these guys.

I for once tried being a freakonomics style nerd and look for the connection. Suddenly i knew it was obvious. I like ed a champion who was also a good sportsperson. The same thing separates Roger Federer from Andre Agassi which separates Tendulkar from Ponting: the former in both cases are sportsmen who never forgot the spirit of the sport. The latter fell to controversy and made a lot of uncalled for and distasteful remarks over their careers.

But then i like a certain Michael Schumacher and a certain Diego Maradona too. Perhaps some people have too much charisma to be ignored.

The Idiotic Philosophy

Words!!

When someone said words are more powerful than a sword, the guy must have been hurt! Sadness brings the best out of our artistic capabilities. The greatest of artists have known to produce their works of genius when they were sad. It is in fact not the sadness that brings the best out of them: It is the fact that when someone is sad he remembers nothing else. All other emotions take a backstage, sadness reigns. Ask people about how they feel about someone or something when they are sad and you are sure to get some of the most kind heartened thoughts.

Sadness tells one about what all is bad in the world. About what all can happen to him and what all others feel when they are subjected to sadness. A sad person is not at all expected to cause sadness to someone else, yet he wants to tell the cause of his sadness often.

Anger is the exact opposite of sadness. It brings the worst out of you. You make ugly decisions and you say horrendous stuff to people you love. And hey! It just takes u about 10 seconds to stop it and think about whatever you are doing. It is not tough. Just that you are preoccupied with your thoughts. Even the saddest of cries of your loved ones will not make you understand. You are so full of your anger, your loved ones cease to exist. They are hidden behind the shadows of anger. But it is unlike the shadows of sadness: the exact opposite of it. Here you cannot see right and wrong and you don't want to see it.

What is sadder is that you confuse anger with sadness. Anger is the worst human emotion ever. Sadness isn't. Sadness will always bring you closer to people, anger will separate you. Do not disguise your anger as sadness. Avoid anger. Do not avoid sadness, you perhaps cannot avoid sadness. And yeah, do not avoid your loved ones, they do not become bad people in 30 seconds. Do not make statements and claims when angry. You perhaps won't even know whatever you are saying. Do not leave a chance for regret. No one will become bad or fail to understand you in a couple of minutes. People do not become demons in a matter of seconds. It's just your outlook that changes. Anger makes it happen! Drive it away from your life. And yes, i still love you. I know you will not understand.You rarely do!

Speak up you Idiot!!

The idiot could not speak. Big problem he had. It's not that he did not have a fully functional tongue. If anything, it worked overtime. So why the fuss about speaking? Because he could not speak when he should. Afterall, he was (is will fit in perfectly too, but let it be...)an idiot. Because he did not speak people assumed that he has nothing to say. The idiot did not like this fact. He almost hated the fact. So why did he not speak?

Because he was a fattu. The idiot did not want things to change. He wanted everything to be as it is. All the good things at least. But then things changed, and they did not change for good always. He was selfish. We may say he was a selfish idiot. he always wanted to be good. Here is something straight from the horse's mouth, " If you want to be good to everyone, you generally come across to be bad for everyone." That is what people think. That is what the idiot was thought of as. If you just give a deep thought to it, he was probably bad too. bad things come across as bad and good things come across as good. Truth prevails, as they say! So the problem was that the idiot did not speak. Was it the only problem? To qoute the idiot himself, it was not the problem even. He says that he did speak.

His words were crytic. To him they were not, but to others they were. They were simple words. People found them simple too. People understood all those words. Some of them did not as the words were cryptic. The next one is a guess, no one knows for sure. The ones who knew the idiot shouldn't have found the words very cryptic as they knew all the passwords. But cryptic things remain cryptic. They too chose to believe in what everyone else believed. So bottomline is, either he spoke a tough language, or it was made tough. Do i sound biased towards the idiot? That is probably because I am.

That brings us to the end of this discussion. One question remains unaswered: is it important to speak?

The idiot will never know because he never spoke.

The Idiot Gets a Girlfriend

Let me write this piece of autobiography more like a sales letter. So what sells? Talk about girlfriends does, for starters! If some "Ts" like Chetan Bhagat can sell a million copies exploiting the weakness of the male mind for fun and girls, why not me!! So here is the story:

BTW, what’s a T? I know you want to ask. Its high time you reduced your expectations from me. I wont tell you a lot of things and leave you hanging and scratching your head. Moreover, you won’t understand. Further, I don’t want to take the pains to make you understand. You can replace T with a word of your choice. Till then, T is for “talented” (irony intended in case you are a sorry soul who is a fan of Mr. Bhagat). So did the idiot have a girlfriend? Or is it irony again?

You bet he had, and a hot one at that. One who was the ‘talk of the town’. Those were the funny old days when talk of the town used to be individuals and not restaurants. I am bored of being original now so let me throw in some clichés (after all you are probably not used to reading a lot of original stuff): those were also the days when gay meant merriment and the posh residential area in London used to be the home ground for Arsenal football club. Talking of Arsenal, the guy Thierry Henry was some goalscorer but they have lost it now. Back to the idiot please! The idiot preferred Chelsea. Primarily because blue is a nice color. Or at least that is what he thought. I always have a funny feeling whenever it think about colors. What if all the colors were blue? Exactly the same shade of blue? Even the shadows were blue? I wouldn't have liked living in such a world.

So back to the schooldays of our beloved idiot. 11^th grade to be precise. The idiot went for Chemistry tuition. That he went for tuition for Physics, Biology and Mathematics isn’t relevant in here. That he failed consistently in all of these all year isn’t relevant either. Bottom-line is he went for Chemistry tuition and this is where the story about the girlfriend starts. So the girlfriend in waiting was with him on the tuition? I thought you will guess it! I never doubted your IQ, or the lack of it! She wasn’t with him. No, she wasn’t.

Before I finish, I would like to share the feedback about the idiot’s first chapter given to me by someone.

Idiot 2: slightly disagree

Idiot: about what?

Idiot 2 : So why was I born? Because my sisters were my sisters! If they were my brothers I would have been non-existent. It becomes relevant to ask that if my sisters were not my sisters then I would have been non-existent and they wouldn't have been "my" brothers.

Idiot: what’s the disagreement?

Idiot 2: you have a younger brother despite your existence.

Idiot: dude!

What if I had 3 elder brothers? Because of 3 sisters, they needed 2 brothers to compensate!

Idiot 2: Ratio n proportion was definitely not the concept in his mind

3:2 or something of that sort.

Just 1 khandan ka chirag was sufficient.

Idiot: Just say its "well written" and your feedback is complete. And btw, I turned out to be a non-chirag

Idiot 2: No. A chirag but whose illuminating batti is not seen to the worldly people.

Idiot: Yeah

I emit infra red light.

Dogs see it (I am not sure but how will a fellow idiot know)

And you see it too.

Dont read between the lines!

So what about the idiot’s girlfriend? Did you really believe he had one? You did not!!

Right? You did not!

And again, you are wrong. He did have one. But you think he had one so easily? You did not!

Just that this time, you are right. You do have an IQ above 70. Thanks for reading!!

Autobiography of an idiot!

I want to write about myself. How do i start? I wasn't born on the stroke of midnight on 15th August 1947. The phrase of being born at an early age has already been used. So here is the very normal beginning to an extraordinary life:

I was born on some date which will not be of any particular importance till I become famous. I being famous is one inevitability of our times so it is just a matter of time before you know my birth date. Before we talk about my life, let us talk about the ones preceding me. That will mean my ancestors and if we go by the definition, even my parents qualify.

So why was I born? Because my sisters were my sisters! If they were my brothers I would have been non-existent. It becomes relevant to ask that if my sisters were not my sisters then I would have been non-existent and they wouldn't have been "my" brothers. A life as simple as mine can become painstakingly difficult to understand if we over-analyze. When you read me, please don't forget to leave your mind back home in deep freeze. To cut a long story short (which happens to be a very over-used and popular phrase. But then, that is how i intend my autobiography to be: extremely popular but simple to understand), thanks to the optimism and perseverance of my parents and grandparents I was finally born!

And the rest, as they say, was idiotic.

the days that went by...the days that i seen
the things that are..the things that could have been
and i think of you...
i think if you but which you i think of? thousand faces you had
u were the guiding light...u were the shining star..u were the good ugly and bad
but think about you i do without fail...everyday every time every passing bit of time
i know u are lost, gone for good...but i also know you are mine
i have frozen a moment of you... the moment , that moment....can anyone steal?
ur presence , ur essence, your warmth is mine to feel
i stopped you not , do i regret i stopped you not?
i wonder if this thought in your solitude you have thought
can i answer your question? i can but i don't want to
if you come come and go again...again i wont stop you...

Unkempt Promises

"Dil-e-Nadaan tujhe hua kya hai?
Aakhir is dard ki dawa kya hai?
Humko unse Wafa ki hai ummeed,
jo nahin jaante wafa kya hai."

I see the moist eyes
the eyes that complain
how can u do it to me?
Don't you feel my pain?

U promised u promised!!
They yell and they scream
I say I am sorry,
But do I really mean?

My heart pains, I hate myself
I wish I could go back in time
Go back and change things
Make all the lines rhyme

Fulfill the promises that were made
Promises that were made but not meant
Promises that were meant but weren't met
And the ones that were met without intent

But then I can't do that
But then what has happened did
They were mere words
the promises From my mouth that slid

I stare away from the eyes and look at the sky
And I see the sun, to my dismay
I don't want to look at its eyes
Who knows what they may say

But does the sun have eyes?
Or is it the eye itself?
Because never can I look at it
broken promises I think……

I turn away and go,
I still think of it
the despair in the eyes that was spread
the disenchantment
the sadness, the fear
And off course the hatred

never in those eyes am I again going to stare
Coz deep below, I know, I don't care

Am I Confused???

Why don't people accept whatever happens to them?

The gain after the loss has been tremendous but if I look closely there has been no gain at all. The gain that could have been; or maybe the gain that would become the gain that could have been.

tough life
tough sentences

You sometimes lose all hope after you lose something. And when the ray of hope arrives you are not prepared to take it. Perhaps you don't believe it has arrived.
What if instead of the ray the whole sun arrives?

funny life
funny sentences

Have I called it quits before even achieving it? Or has the fear of losing it altogether had an overwhelming effect on me? Am I weak? I am trying to convince myself that I am not. Maybe, I am not weak, just maybe. But you still remain the best in the world. My world.